“Violence is what happens when we don’t know what else to do with our suffering.” --Parker Palmer
Wise confrontation is a deliberative process, not a reactive one. We may need to take time to thoughtfully assess a situation where reconciliation is needed in order to be ready to approach it rationally and openly. We need to remember take time to prepare our heart, not our case. However, we do not want to take so much time the pain is forgotten, and we talk ourselves out of confronting the situation.
Confrontation done wisely is the way to move out of the quagmire and keep the hurt from festering. Confronting someone who has dementia or is under the influence of drugs or alcohol are notable exceptions. The problem is it is all too easy to fool ourselves into making a deliberate choice not to confront someone that has caused us pain.
Remember that the choice never to confront is not the wisest course of action. Avoidance of confrontation is usually rooted in fear. We may be afraid we will make things worse, hurting others or being hurt in the process. We justify our fear by rationalizing, saying to ourselves, “They are too busy or too tired, or now is not a good time.”
On the other hand, sometimes we confront unwisely and for the wrong reasons. We fool ourselves about the real reason for confrontation when we really just want to win, to be right, or to even the score. We tell ourselves it is a matter of integrity, or that confrontation will be good for the other. Sometimes we convince ourselves it was what they had coming.
Sometimes we excuse ourselves from engaging in confrontation by saying the other person cannot handle it because they are too fragile, too timid, too weak. We convince ourselves that the aggravation or the drama is too much for us. We say it is not worth it, or they are not worth it. Enabling, codependency and learned helplessness all thrive when this kind of avoidance of conflict comes into play.
Dunn, Ted, Graced Crossroads: Pathways to Deep Change & Transformation, CSS Publications, 2020, pp. 360-369.
