Transform Don't Transmit

“There is no future without forgiveness.”  --Desmond Tutu

We all have betrayed others and have been betrayed. We all have abandoned others and have been abandoned.  We all have been silently complicit when our friends have been maligned, even though we know what it is like to have been slandered and abused.  We all have withheld a kind gesture, a word of encouragement, a tender embrace, our vulnerability, and forgiveness, though we know what it is like to have been unloved and unforgiven in these same ways. We have badmouthed leaders behind their backs, even though we know what that was like when we were leaders.  There will be no future until we learn to forgive and transform our pain, rather than transmit it.

We know that the suffering inside us contains the suffering of our ancestors, our fathers and mothers, and their fathers and mothers. They may not have had a chance, or known how, to heal their wounds, so they may have passed it along to us.  But, we also know if we can transform rather than transmit our suffering, conflicts, and wounds, we are healing the suffering in the world, the suffering of all those with whom we minister, and the suffering here among ourselves.

Dunn, Ted, Graced Crossroads: Pathways to Deep Change & Transformation, CSS Publications, 2020, pp. 370-371

 

Wise Choices

 

“Violence is what happens when we don’t know what else to do with our suffering.”  --Parker Palmer

Wise confrontation is a deliberative process, not a reactive one.  We may need to take time to thoughtfully assess a situation where reconciliation is needed in order to be ready to approach it rationally and openly.  We need to remember take time to prepare our heart, not our case.  However, we do not want to take so much time the pain is forgotten, and we talk ourselves out of confronting the situation. 

Confrontation done wisely is the way to move out of the quagmire and keep the hurt from festering.  Confronting someone who has dementia or is under the influence of drugs or alcohol are notable exceptions. The problem is it is all too easy to fool ourselves into making a deliberate choice not to confront someone that has caused us pain.

Remember that the choice never to confront is not the wisest course of action.  Avoidance of confrontation is usually rooted in fear.  We may be afraid we will make things worse, hurting others or being hurt in the process.  We justify our fear by rationalizing, saying to ourselves, “They are too busy or too tired, or now is not a good time.”   

On the other hand, sometimes we confront unwisely and for the wrong reasons.  We fool ourselves about the real reason for confrontation when we really just want to win, to be right, or to even the score.  We tell ourselves it is a matter of integrity, or that confrontation will be good for the other.  Sometimes we convince ourselves it was what they had coming.

Sometimes we excuse ourselves from engaging in confrontation by saying the other person cannot handle it because they are too fragile, too timid, too weak.  We convince ourselves that the aggravation or the drama is too much for us.  We say it is not worth it, or they are not worth it.  Enabling, codependency and learned helplessness all thrive when this kind of avoidance of conflict comes into play.

Dunn, Ted, Graced Crossroads: Pathways to Deep Change & Transformation, CSS Publications, 2020, pp. 360-369.

World of Hurt

 

“The essence of struggle is neither endurance nor denial.  It is the opportunity to grow either smaller or larger in the process.  There is then, a gift hidden in the travails of a graced crossroads, a gift of beginning again—a conversion.” --Joan Chittister

The object of reconciliation is not to try to put things back the way they were before, but to put them back in a way that is more integrated, more whole than before.  Reconciliation is a two-way street requiring both parties to do their own work in acknowledging their contribution to the rift in the relationship. Both may not have contributed equally to the problem, but both must work at repairing what is broken and improving the connection.  Otherwise, one will feel righteous, and one will feel blamed.  If the result is that one wins and one loses, the reconciliation will fail.  

In reconciliation we are seeking a transformation of the relationship for the better, not just for those directly involved but for the common good. For transformation of a community and new life to emerge, we must grow in our capacity to reconcile the wounds of the past, reach across our differences, and work through the conflicts and tensions that have caused hurt. However, a community that is not in sufficient pain will not choose to engage in this painful work of transformation.  Pain is the catalyst that pushes us to take a good hard look at ourselves and search for what needs to happen.

Dunn, Ted, Graced Crossroads: Pathways to Deep Change & Transformation, CSS Publications, 2020, pp. 343-359

 

Restore Trust

 

“We can’t change the human experience, but we can turn toward, not away from, those struggling.” --Margaret Wheatley

Along the way members have been judged, dismissed, put down or betrayed by other members. As a result they learn to avoid the risk of putting their honest truth into conversations at community gatherings.

Trust tending is an ordinary and ongoing maintenance chore in any relationship.  Just as caring for our home requires constant upkeep, time, and attention, so too does caring for one another. Trust tending is never finished or fixed once and for all.

We cannot promise to always trust one another, but we can promise that when our trust is in jeopardy, we will turn toward one another and do the work of restoring it.

Dunn, Ted, Graced Crossroads: Pathways to Deep Change & Transformation, CSS Publications, 2020, pp. 334-342

Communal Discernment

 “The reason two antelopes walk together is so that one can blow the dust out of the other one’s eyes." --African Proverb

While there is no one methodology for communal discernment, most efforts draw upon the Ignatian method of seeking interior freedom and detachment from the outcome.  To be interiorly free means to overcome or hold lightly the fears, anxieties and wants that might obstruct openness to God’s desires.  Detachment from the outcome means to suspend preoccupations or conclusions about what a specific outcome would entail and remain focused on the here and now.

Parallel personal discernment is not the same as communal discernment. Two children playing in the same room may not be playing together.  As consciousness shifts back and forth through various options, if the group remains interiorly free and detached from the outcome, they can experience a communal transformation of consciousness that is a group grace.

Caveat: Group grace is not the same as group think in which less influential members concede and collapse their will into that of the dominant group.

Dunn, Ted, Graced Crossroads: Pathways to Deep Change & Transformation, CSS Publications, 2020, pp. 295-305